“No carbs for 2 weeks. Lost 5 pounds. Felt amazing. Then I smelled fresh bread. It was over. Ate an entire baguette in my car. The bread literally won.”

“His name was Dr. Miller. I called him Dr. Mitchell. For an entire year. He never corrected me. I found out at graduation when I went to thank him. His face said everything. He remembered.”

“Started a dropshipping business. Watched all the YouTube gurus. Invested $500 in ads. Made 3 sales. Total revenue: $47. After expenses: $12 profit. That's $2/month. I could find more on the street.”

“Exam at 8am. Set 5 alarms. Woke up at 11am. Exam ended at 10am. Apparently I turned off all 5 alarms in my sleep. Don't remember doing it. My professor didn't care. Failed the class.”

“Signed up January 1st. Full of motivation. Bought new shoes, new clothes, new water bottle. Went once. It's been 8 months. They're still charging me $50/month.”

“Big presentation. 50 executives. Clicked to first slide. It was my vacation photos. Including the beach ones. The bikini ones. IT had synced the wrong folder. I presented from memory. While dying inside.”

“Week 1: Downloaded Couch to 5K. Week 2: Opened the app. Week 3: Deleted the app. Week 4: Downloaded it again. Week 5: Forgot password. Week 6: Gave up.”

“First time they said it. Romantic dinner. Candles. Music. They looked into my eyes and said "I love you." My response? "You too." Like they complimented my shirt. They broke up with me a week later.”

“Dream job. Prepared for weeks. Walked in confident. They asked "Tell us about yourself." My mind went blank. I said "I like cheese." CHEESE. That's what I led with. Never heard back.”

“Had the ring. Planned the speech. Reserved the restaurant. Was going to propose on Saturday. They dumped me on Friday. Via text. The ring is still in my sock drawer. Mocking me.”

“$180 Nike running shoes. Used them to walk to my car. Once. Now they sit by the door looking disappointed in me. Sometimes I put them on just to feel something.”

“They asked me to move with them. I said I needed time to think. Thought for 3 weeks. Finally decided yes. They had already left. Found someone new in the new city. I still think about it daily.”

“fail..my diet”